It’s almost Halloween and the dead are rising! Again. Like every other year.
Yes dear readership I am talking about zombies. In this post I will talk about how to survive the inevitable rising of the dead that will happen on Halloween. This post will include weapons (which I’m sure my co-conspirator will expand on when he reads this post), How to identify the undead, what survival tactics you can and should use and things you may have misidentified as zombies (that you still need to be worried about)
Zombies the damn bastards just won’t stay down, people die every day which means no matter how many you shoot in the head there will always be a (metaphorically) fresh body to fill in the ranks of the undead. So the first lesson is: always be prepared, They will so if you aren’t and you get eaten….it’s your fault. So how should you be prepared? first of all have 2 weapons on hand: one gun and one melee weapon, I know some of you are thinking “a melee weapon? why would i want to fight them up close?” clearly you have neither seen the walking dead nor read the back of the zombie survival guide. The base line is hand on hand weapons don’t run out of ammo and they are much quieter than a firearm (and no a silencer won’t make a gun as quiet as a pipe to the skull) less noise means less zombies homing in on your position. Another zombie preparedness step is to have a kit of of water, non-perishables, flashlights and medical supplies(won’t be as useful in a zombie situation) coincidentally this is also a good idea to have on hand in case of a power outage or a natural disaster. Also have a vehicle that can go off-road as the roads will become a giant zombie feeding ground. The final step to being prepared is to have friends, friends who can handle a zombie apocalypse; said group should include at least one of each of these: a gun guy, a melee weapons guy, someone who knows first aid( don’t let them treat bites! just shoot the bitten in the head while apologizing and crying), someone who can keep your vehicles running, someone who can hunt(the gun guy can probably do this) and love interests(they may not fall into any of previously mentioned categories and a love interest increases your survival chances by 15%)
In terms of survival tactics you can and should use. You can use three basic tactics: the stronghold, roving hunters/survivors, and a convoy. First the stronghold you see this one in almost every zombie movies the protagonist holes up in some defensible structure with complete strangers and they argue while the zombies gather outside; you see this in every zombie movie for a reason: it is going to fail at some point, it might be years before this happens but it will.(don’t do it your a young man!) The roving hunters/survivors is basically zombieland a bunch of people(usually 2-8) get together and start surviving. If you do this I give you a 60/40 chance of surviving provided you limit your use of firearms and always stay moving. The convoy is easily your best chance in my opinion. You get heavily armored vehicles, lots of friends and lots of guns. You drive through infested territory blowing away zombies and in case of the apocalypse you clean out towns to get supplies and get a nice safe(ish) camp to sleep in, with guards.
Weapons are fairly simple you go with blunt weapons you can use in close quarters or if your going to go with blades than you go with a curved blade which a better for slashing(we’re trying to dismember zombies not stab them, stabbing them doesn’t work) in terms of guns you have two options for maximum zombie killing shotguns and high-powered rifles (I’ll leave the rest of the gun section to my co-author)
How to identify zombies:
First off if you see a rotting corpse walking, it’s either a zombie or Jason Vorhees (you should run in both cases). But what about the early stages? how does one identify a bite victim? for one they will tell you that some crazy dude tried to bite them, they will then become less aware of there surroundings, they may start moaning or asking for brain, They will become pale, start sweating, develop a fever and later o become cold. If they pop up after seemingly dying don’t rush over proclaiming it a miracle, they are now the undead, kill them with fire.
Now in some cases other creatures rise, if you think they’re zombies and they aren’t treating the the same way will get you very dead very fast. For example: vampires it may seem like zombies since the bitten change and there is a sickness beforehand and all but if you try to shoot a vampire in the head it’ll just get back up and rip your throat out. in case of a vampire make sure you destroy both the head(as in separating its head from its shoulders) and its heart maybe push it into the sunlight(note: this will not work if the vampire is wearing body glitter). signs that you may be dealing with a vampire instead of a zombie are: a dark, abandoned castle nearby, sudden swarms of bats, and foreign nobles with odd accents. If your town finds a savaged, half eaten body that in the woods but finds unusual tracks it may not be a zombie but a werewolf. You need silver for werewolves as a blade or a blunt weapon, silver functions poorly as a bullet. I have only heard one good idea for silver bullet this book:http://www.amazon.com/Monster-Hunter-International-Larry-Correia/dp/1439132852/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319745859&sr=8-1
Coincidentally an awesome book, you should totally buy it. Signs that you are dealing with a werewolf instead of a zombie are: a full moon, gypsys, and more than one person speaking the prose: Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf, when the wolfsbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.
In conclusion stay safe, keep your swords sharp, and you guns well loaded. Happy Halloween.
Part Two: Guuuuuuuuuuuuns….. (pronounced with a moan and slurred, but only slightly incoherent!)
As promised, here’s the section concerning weapons selection (mostly, firearms) in the highly likely event of a zombie apocalypse.
First things first: STOCKPILE! STOCKPILE! STOCKPILE!!!!!! When society breaks down and zombies roam the earth, the gun stores will be GONE!!! Ammunition and weapons prices may cost you an arm and a leg today in the proverbial sense, but don’t keep up your stash and that may become literal for you (and there’s no sequel for the ones who die! Maybe a nice statue or memorial when society begins rebuilding itself, but that pales in comparison to living to say you survived the freaking zombie apocalypse!)!
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, time for the fun stuff…
My co-conspirator mentioned earlier that high-powered rifles and shotguns were the best ones to deal with zombies, and he’s right, but there are more that will suffice quite well. Each weapon type has its own advantages and disadvantages!
Assault Rifles (select-fire, military/LE): Generally speaking, this is your best bet. Manageable recoil, high magazine capacities, good ergonomics, and given the almost universal usage of western weapons by the US government, you really can’t go wrong with whatever you get in this category. Just keep in mind – SEMI AUTO IS YOUR FRIEND! Full auto may be fun, but fun don’t count worth shit in Armageddon, and you CANNOT miss fast enough to make a difference!
Assault Rifles (semi-auto only, civilian): I actually prefer these a little bit more since there’s much less opportunity for frivolity with ammunition than on weapons with alternate fire modes. Also, the barrels are generally longer than government weapons; namely, M4 pattern weapons, with commercial models almost universally having at least 16″ barrels, while most government M4 pattern weapons sport 14.5″ barrels. While this doesn’t make almost any difference in the short term, the longer civvie barrels wear out less quickly due to lower levels of abuse in the actions. Plus, longer barrels generally give you slightly more accuracy and stability in general.
Pistol caliber carbines/SMGs: Since we covered the basic differences between government and civilian versions of rifles, you basically know how they translate to any other select-fire small arms. Pistol caliber carbines and SMGs (for sake of shortness, I’ll refer to both as SMGs from here on) have one key advantage over assault rifles – weight. Ammunition is smaller and lighter, and the size of the weapon needed to deliver them tends to be smaller than rifle caliber carbines, and thus, also lighter in weight. This would not be a selling point in a world of organized militaries engaging each other at good distances and utilizing lots of armor. However, in a world of slow-moving unarmed and daft zombies, it becomes quite the perk. Assuming zombies can be killed by a single clean shot through the brain, pistol caliber weapons will be on a much more even ground with their bigger and badder brothers. The light weight will allow you to carry greater quantities of ammunition for longer distances over longer periods of time, and every pound saved is another margin more capable you’ll be to survive. Again, don’t rely on automatic fire modes!
Light/heavy machine guns/Infantry Automatic Rifles (IARs): Good for suppressing soldiers who have fear and self-preservation in mind, machine guns really aren’t that useful unless you have irresponsibly large supplies of ammunition and operate from a fixed location (base, outpost, shelter, etc.). High rates of fire, marginal comparative accuracy, and heavy weight make these largely burdensome devices, especially when you consider the fact that almost every belt-fed automatic weapon can only fire on full auto. The ones that can really shine, however, are infantry automatic rifles (IARs) or light support weapons (LSWs). These are usually standard assault rifles that incorporate heavier, longer barrels, higher rates of fire on full auto, bipods, and higher-than-standard capacity magazines. Again, full auto has been discussed at length. However, the increased weight of LSWs and their barrels allows for noticeably increased accuracy and controlability compared to their smaller shorter elders. Since these are usually modified infantry rifles, semi-auto fire modes and drastically more common on LSWs than on belt-fed weapons. Couple these advantages with a scope rail and some optics and you have an excellent interim weapon between a service rifle and a full-blown sniper rifle, making them ideal for defense of fixed positions, but allow much greater mobility than do belt-fed machine guns.
Personal Defense Weapons (PDWs):